Have you ever been forced to do something against your will? I don't mean obligations or following the laws or God's commandments. I mean being totally defeated, dominated, a forced violation against everything you know. The worst type of forced control you can imagine. This is how I feel about Carly's death. I am being forced against everything within me to live without my only daughter. Forced to figure out a new life which does not include her. Forced to live with a large hole in my soul. Forced to live with emptiness.
This is what I'm going through. I have no choice but to accept this horrible reality and figure out how I'm going to live with it. Being a fighter and not someone that accepts things easily, this concept has and is a struggle for me. Over the past year, I have slowly accepted that this is my new life and even though I HATE it, I don't have a choice but to relearn how to live a different life. Letting go is very difficult for many reasons. It means surrendering, forgetting, and moving forward while leaving a huge part of me behind. As much as I try to fight this, it is happening. With every new day, I feel like I am moving further and further away from life with my precious Carly. The pain of this reality is devastating.
As each day goes by I try to understand this spiritual exertion. Unfortunately, this is something I must do alone. No one can help me or even understand the agony I'm going through. This process is changing me, my beliefs, my understanding of the world and how it works, the truth of unfairness. It has all changed and continues to change as I walk this journey. I don't know where I will end up, but I do know that I am a different person. No on can go through the death of a child and not be different. You see life through a different lenses. The carefree, joyful world is gone and replaced with an ominousness and bleak one. There is a darkness all around me that I never noticed before. I was very comfortable in my bubble, but tragedy burst and eliminated it. My loss and suffering have opened my eyes and produced an awareness that I didn't know existed.
My only hope is in God. Without it, there is no hope at all. He has the only real control in this world. Carly's death has taught me that I have no control and has tested my belief in God's truth. I'm still continuing my journey through this life long pilgrimage, trying to figure it out in the mists of my unbearable loss and suffering. Only God can truly help me walk this journey and I honestly need His help.