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  • beattyslm

Living in a Gray World

Updated: Aug 4, 2021

The colors of life are many. Life was full of various shades of bright vibrant yellows and reds. Such as the beautiful morning sunshine or the leaves in the fall. Gleaming moods of happiness and joy. The green shades of grass and trees full of new life and a new start. There are softer colors such as pink and white, colors of love, purity and innocence. The cool blue colors remind me of the ocean, lake, and big sky, filling me with peace and comfort. Not all colors are pleasant though, most live with dark colors as well, shades of gray and even black. Fear, anxiety, sadness come to mind. Imagine a world with no color. My world has become colorless. All these various shades of life have been taken from me, except gray.

Since the loss of my precious daughter, 22 months ago at age 19, life has become colorless. I feel like I'm living in black and white. Half dead, half alive, similar to that of a zombee. How can life have vibrant color after such a huge hole has been cut out of my heart and soul. Every day is full of reminders of what is missing from my life now. Every day is also filled with sorrow and hurt. How can you live in a colorful world with that much pain. I don't feel like I live where others do anymore, I'm living in a world that lacks color and emotions. I've become numb to emotions and feelings. I guess my world does have one color which I would say is a shade of dark gray.

I have learned to pretend that my life is full of color. I'm getting better at it with each day of practice. I've learned that people don't want to be around those that are hurting for long. They don't know what to say, don't understand, and don't want to imagine the pain. So, I hide the pain and sadness and act as if I'm moving forward, but in reality I'm not. I smile, laugh, talk and am social, but it's all just going through the motions. My every thought and emotion is holding back the pain and emptiness of my loss. It's always with me and travels wherever I go.

I don't know if loneliness has a color, but that is also what life has become. I used to text or talk to Carly every day, and shared so much of my life with her. We liked most of the same things and enjoyed each other's' company. All that is gone now. No one else can ever fill that spot in my life. It's also devastating that I will miss so much of what should have been her life. It's extremely painful to see others achieving and experiencing what she should be as well.

I have forever changed and so has my future which is heartbreaking to me. I have no choice but to live with the pain of missing Carly and wondering what the future should have been. I don't see life ever having it's beautiful, vibrant colors again and am not sure how to survive in this new mostly colorless world. I live day by day, just trying to make it through. My only hope is that I will spend eternity with Carly and life will once again be filled with bright, beautiful color!

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