Trapped in a Nightmare
The sadness never ends. The triggers never end. The what if's never end. The heartbreak never ends. The longing never ends. Life as I knew it has ended. My beautiful, sweet daughter's life has ended. Joy and naivety have ended. The dark gloom that hovers over me never leaves. I attempt to ignore it and try to find distractions from it, but it never leaves. It's constantly pulling me down and is a struggle to fight everyday. No matter how hard I try nothing changes. I can't wake up from this overwhelming nightmare!
My heart breaks every morning when I awake clinging to the hope that this terrifying dream has ended only to realize that my reality is the nightmare that Carly is gone. Immediately the emptiness and darkness enter my existence once again. This has become a daily ritual which I dread every morning. All the questions come gushing back into my thoughts all at once...why Carly, why me, why and how did this happen? The weight of heaviness that starts my day breaks me. I'm in my own world where no one else can enter. My family and friends try, but can't understand. There is no way for them to enter this unimaginable nightmare. My friends that have gone through this situation come very close to understanding and I am grateful for each and every one of them. We are all in a group where we can comfort each other and sit in the pit together so we are not alone. We all share a similar pain and emptiness, but because we all had individual relationships with our child, none of us completely understand the other's universe.
Only God and myself are in my world. Only He and I know how special Carly was and the devastation her loss has brought. I know Carly is in Heaven with Him and I can't wait to spend eternity with her! Until then, God has given me glimpses of hope through His creation. The sunshine reminds me of Carly as I called her my sunshine girl. She was an amazing gift which I am so blessed to have had even if for only 19 years. She shined so bright and was without a doubt a light while on earth. The birds singing remind me that God promises to take care of all His creatures. Even though Carly is gone, He is taking care of her now and I believe He always had even in her death. The body of water brings me peace. Inner peace that reminds me that one day I will be with Carly forever in eternity. None of these things take away the pain or emptiness, but are a sign that God is still here. One day, there will be no more pain and suffering.