It's been 16 months since Carly was killed and it has been a rough, very emotional journey so far. Part of my suffering has been to fight the temptation of isolating myself. There are times when it feels too much to be around people. I just can't think again what I'm going through. I can't be hurt again by the response of others, I don't want to feel more hurt then I already feel. I can't take the risk of seeing, hearing, or smelling a trigger which instantly brings me down and reminds me that Carly is forever gone from my life. The outside world has become threatening and withdrawing from it brings a sense of security. I feel safer in my bubble where I am isolated from the reality that is intensely painful.
My future has totally changed with Carly's death. I'm so sad that all the hopes and dreams I had the privilege of watching in her life are gone. I know what would have been and have been cheated out of my future with her. It makes me very angry that she has been cheater out of her future as well. This is all another reason for isolating myself. My future is not as happy as it once was going to be. It's hard to face moving forward with all of that future gone. Watching others live out what I should have had is very difficult. It hurts to see Moms with their daughters, no matter what age. It's just so sad and I wonder why this happened to our family.
At the same time, I know that I cannot isolate myself and need to fight that temptation. I know I need people for so many reasons. I need relationships and am blessed with special people that I believe God has brought into my life to walk this journey with me. Their gifts have assisted me more than I can express. I appreciate the comfort and protection from others. I value the wisdom and am so grateful for those that have sat and continue to sit in the pit with me, showing much needed empathy. Experiencing the comfort of God's people causes me to see God's visible grace. I know He is still with me even though I don't feel like it much of the time.
