I am in a constant state of what I call slowly dying. The life I had when Carly was a part of it is gone and slipping away day by day. With this, a new life is starting to emerge, but it is very different then what once was. With each day that passes, I learn about my new life. I learn how to keep living without my precious daughter. I HATE it, but as I've said before, I do not have a choice. I am still here.
When Carly died, I lost a big part of myself. But I also lost my hopes and dreams for the future. The slow process of grieving her future is extremely painful. I have to give up on watching her graduate from A&M, getting accepted into veterinary school, and fulfilling her dream of becoming a veterinarian. Most painful is accepting that I will never help her plan her wedding, cherish her children, watch her life and get to see where it goes. With every picture, place, and memory pain fills my being as I know none of these things will happen now. This future is slowly dying and a new, less joyful, more empty future is growing.
Another way I am slowly dying is in my sense of the world and God. I have lost my sense of security. I have experienced the worst betrayal ever imaginable. The world and God are no longer trustworthy. I feel unsafe because I have personal knowledge that anything can happen at any time. The process of reconciling everything I thought I knew to be true and was shattered is ongoing. Having to figure out life without security, I am forced to evaluate my beliefs of the world and God. This new world is full of fear, chaos, uncertainty, pain, and suffering, Learning to live in this new world and figure out where God fits in is part of my new life. I work hard researching and developing my new system of understanding the world and God. I have and will always have faith in our lord, but I am learning that I did not know the God in the Bible, and am discovering Him now.
Carly's death has also made me rethink the meaning of life. So many things seem meaningless and petty now. When I think of what I used to spend time worrying about and putting effort into trying to fix or control now seems meaningless. It has become hard to participate in some conversations and experiences that once filled my life. That life is slowly dying and I am learning in my new life what really matters now. I want to spend time doing those things that give life meaning whatever that turns out to be. Reassessing my priorities and figuring out what they are now is part of the new me that is evolving. I do know for certain that whatever I do moving forward Carly will be a large part of it. Carly's Way Animal Rescue has become my new future and I want to use this company as a platform to help in as many ways as possible to bring new meaning to as many lives as possible.
Any change in life is hard and pain is supposed to help us grow. I have never experienced this kind of pain before and hope I never will again before I am reunited with Carly. There are no words in the English language that properly describe the amount of agony and sorrow I have to live with since Carly died. There is a constant sadness and emptiness that I have to learn to accept and manage. The new life I am struggling to figure out is vastly different then before. My old self is dying day by day as a new self is slowly coming into view. I mourn my old self and life which is why I say I'm slowly dying. It hurts and I don't want it, but as with all of us, we can only really control ourselves and how to respond to our circumstances. My hope is that God controls the rest!
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