I am so sad and full of sorrow. My heart is broken and will never heal. I have emptiness that will be with me forever. My life will never be as joyful and carefree as it was before Carly's death. Life around me goes on while mine stands still. I never understood the word sorrow until now. The deep pain and suffering that lingers day in and day out is overwhelming. The knowledge of my best friend, my legacy, my precious daughter being gone forever brings such despair. Life has totally turned upside down and will never be the same again.
Trying to live with this deep pain is very difficult. You can not get away from it, nor push it away. It's right there in your face every second of every day. It sucks the energy from you and is a constant battle. Time moves forward, but in this deep pain, time stands still. It's the same battle every waking hour of every day. Sleep is the only relief from the suffering and sorrow. It's hard to think beyond a day because it is very difficult to get through the day by it self. I felt numb most of the time and did not fully comprehend what was happening around me or conversations I was having. It is very hard to explain the fog that surrounds you. You are physically present, but your mind is constantly battling the torment of the loss.
Over time I have noticed that now I am constantly looking for distractions. My mind and heart have been slowly surrendering to the fact that nothing will bring Carly back and I am stuck here without her. This does not relieve any sadness or pain, but I am no longer fighting as hard to accept this notion as I had been for months. A few days ago it was 11 months that Carly died. So, it has taken me a while to accept this concept of her never coming home. Slowly I noticed that if I could distract myself, I would feel some relief from the consistent distress. Now this seems to be how I fill my days. I don't know if this will be helpful or hurtful in the long run, but for now it helps me breathe and get through the day.
I still live day by day and cannot think or plan ahead very far. Time does not heal in this situation, but as I learn to live without Carly, my battle is gradually changing. There are days where I feel like I take a step forward, but then there are days I feel I definitely take several steps back. It's a roller coaster ride and the triggers are everywhere. I never know where or when a trigger will hit me. It's part of this unwanted, painful, journey. There are days that I don't think I'm going to make it anymore, but somehow I do. I know that one day I will see her again and that keeps me moving one day at a time. I can't wait for that day to be reunited with only daughter!
Love you forever sweet and precious Carly!!