Valley of Darkness
I never knew what it meant to walk in a valley of darkness until now. Everything is covered with a heavy shadow and no light can get through. There is no happiness, laughter, or joy in the valley. All you can see is sorrow and pain all around. I mostly see what could have been, or really what should have been. Carly coming home for Christmas, spending time together, laughing, talking about her future and how excited and proud I would be for her. Everywhere I look, I see constant reminders of what should have been and is not. It's a very depressing place to be. It's been 15 months since my sunshine left the earth and the light left my life.
I try so hard to keep moving and look for happiness, but it's a struggle. I have moments of great distraction where I am so absorbed with a friend or activity that I don't think about the emptiness, but it's still there. I do appreciate those special times and get some relief from my reality. I do feel that God is and has been working special people into my life to help me through the dark valley. I just wish I wasn't here having to walk this unwanted journey.
The worst part about walking in darkness is that no one else around me is in a dark valley. Life goes on as normal for most everyone in my world. Not that life is perfect because it is not for anyone. They may not be able to celebrate the holidays with family due to COVID, or the usual social activities, but they will be able to see family and friends again. There's not a permanent block to seeing and/or spending time with people. It's so hard to see family pictures on social media, hear about family vacations, talk about the excitement of life with people's children, and the list goes on and on because I will never get those opportunities with Carly again. It's all a reminder that somehow we were the unlucky chosen to suffer a enormous loss.
This valley of darkness doesn't seem to have an end. My future looks dark as well. Carly's death has not only affected my present life but just as painful, my future life. There will be no future birthday celebrations, graduation celebrations, I will never get to see her fall in love and get married, help her plan her wedding, watch her grow in her career, and
the birth of her children, just to name a few. All these special moments in life are gone. I feel desperately sad for her that she lost the opportunity to experience all these exciting moments. She was robbed of so many experiences. She was old enough to see a bright future ahead, but killed before she was able to get there.
My legacy died with Carly too. After I'm gone, she will not be here to continue my legacy for generations to come. It is over. I lost all that she carried of me in this world. All I see is darkness. The hope that keeps me going is that one day this life will end for me and I will spend eternity with my beautiful daughter. That is the small speck of light that I'm walking toward each day.